Monday, February 28, 2011

Improvin' (Week 6)

"Song 378" by Dan Albergotti

They say grace is amazing
They say fools rush in.
Pope was a wise man. This is a song.

This is a song because it says song,
says song insistently, says sibilance.
Hisses a background for sharp notes.

It says there is a note that marries

skulls to smile, despair to hope

if only for one trembling moment.
It sounds the diphthong between birth
and death. This song says mystery.

When the great composer was asked to name
his favorite music, he said, No music.
The dead and dying sing a silent song.

"untitled" by Atarah Rumph

They say fools rush in.
The rushed in fools
are they who rushed into sin
while sipping on a mocha frappuccino.

Hissing for sharp notes,
she held his red, multi- pocketed
windbreaker under one arm
while the other arm was occupied
with his child collection of animated movies.

A collection of animated movies
that scream life, liberty, and justice
is new in this abandoned world.
His shirt flies past her face.
they say fools rush in. 

1 comment:

  1. Atara,

    Repetitions of 'rush' in your first stanza work nicely, but I'm not sure repetition is needed in the first line of the third stanza. I like your intonations of feminine oppression indicated by the woman's carrying of his jacket and movies, but I don't get "Hissing for sharp notes" and think it doesn't quite fit in the draft's context; however, the "mocha frappucino" lends the draft a great deal of zeitgeist, and your last two lines are exquisite. I would like to see you add more text to this draft, in the way of descriptive scenes, or even conversation between the two characters, and capitalize on its feminist tone. Good start!