New York
I cried when my father died
he was born in New York
the best state ever established
all those busy streets full of
sex, drugs, and hunger!
I've always been jealous of him,
the farthest I've ever been
was to Jonesboro
and that's always a bore
and I snore pretty loudly in the
car when driving back with mom
drifting in and out of sleep
dreaming about how life would have
been if I was in the Breakfast Club.
There is an actual Breakfast Club
that requires members to pay monthly
$200 for 365 days worth of Berry Berry Kicks.
Dreaming of the Coldest Winter Ever,
I envy the snow my father played in,
the snow that fills the streets
then turns a dirty blackish color
it always confused me why white turns black.
I miss my father even though
I never knew him.
I cried when my father died
he was born in New York
the best state ever established
all those busy streets full of
sex, drugs, and hunger!
I've always been jealous of him,
the farthest I've ever been
was to Jonesboro
and that's always a bore
and I snore pretty loudly in the
car when driving back with mom
drifting in and out of sleep
dreaming about how life would have
been if I was in the Breakfast Club.
There is an actual Breakfast Club
that requires members to pay monthly
$200 for 365 days worth of Berry Berry Kicks.
Dreaming of the Coldest Winter Ever,
I envy the snow my father played in,
the snow that fills the streets
then turns a dirty blackish color
it always confused me why white turns black.
I miss my father even though
I never knew him.
Attarah,
ReplyDeleteThis narrative has a kind of wistful tone that I think you could build on to make it carry more weight. I love the speaker's wish to belong to the "Breakfast Club" and her snore in the back of the car; also, the line "it always confused me why white turns black". These all convey the internal thoughts of the speaker and I want more of that. Perhaps you could elaborate on why Jonesboro is boring to her.
There appears to be a discrepancy in the speaker having cried in the beginning when her father died and not having ever known him at the end. I think that needs some clarification.
Overall, this draft already has some good imagery and just needs enhancing. Nice job!
Pauline