Sunday, March 20, 2011

Improv (Week 10)

Bad Language by Dan Albergotti

We fear to speak, and silence coats the night air.
So we are dumb, as quiet as the kitchen pans
hanging on their cabinet hooks. What words
do we even have? The root of fuck is as much
to strike as to copulate. And sometimes ravish
is to rape. But when you're ravishing, you're
beautiful. Strikingly beautiful. Other tongues
do not help. Try saying "kiss me" on the streets
of Paris. God does not help. The Bible is full
of prohibition. Thou shalt not, saith the lord.
No sounds like know. To know is to understand.
In the Bible to know is to fuck. What do you mean
when you say no? I think I know. I want to know.
Understand me. You're ravishing. I want to know
you. Strike me. Don't leave me alone with self-
knowledge and these rich, fruitless, unspoken words.

Language is bad in the right situations by Atarah Rumph

Too scared to speak fearing it will
fuck up the mood, she continues to
lay on the bottom as his pelvic bone thrust
into hip bone. Damn he needs to eat
some collard green with pork and beans.
She needed to lose weight, but only in the
stomach area. Muffin top is just a cute
word to say not to look at. If they were
in a picture, the effect would be sepia
the way the basement had that
1987 feel to it. You know the one
where when you swept the dirt
off the floor, the wind would sneak it
back in. The worn out couch, ashtrays on the ground,
liquor bottled on top of the entertainment center,
15 inch television showing the scores to
the previous game of Mortal Combat, the smell of
fried chicken being warmed up, hormone levels rising,
understanding between two complicated young adults.
Waking up from a cat nap, his eyes greeted her body
and welcomed his hands to caress her nose.
They always spoke in sign language.  


  1. Well. Well said, the language be bad when mood of the event is not good. Only a Heart on the way to good could ever say. Thanks for sharing such an reflections and Profile. Hope more. With Best Wishes.

  2. Atarah,

    First of all, I like the fact that you took one of Dan Albergotti's pieces and completely made a working draft of your own. I believe by doing that you not only show that you have read another author's work and studied the piece, but also that you have taken time to draw from specific elements of the poem you are particularly interesting in, then switching gears and making those elements new and original, from you. I think you have some strong lines and ideas at play in this draft. You flirt with a fresh spin from Albergotti's piece, creating a new title and seemingly using it to your advantage by way of adding in some highly distinguished concrete imagery. However, I do feel there are patches in the draft- hence why it is called a draft. With that said, I think you could easily tighten up the bust of the draft but looking more at line enjambments (and how they can truly make a poem), and also at getting ride of any "fluff" that doesn't serve any purpose or is simply too stuffy. Overall I would say you have drafted an interesting first draft.